heal.

O God, I love this WOMAN!! When I grow up I want to be just like her.

This is Sapna Bhavnani……. (Mumbai girl, hair stylist, fashion chameleon, part-time actress, most tattooed woman in India, overall wicked-est rock chick ever)

……..singing one of my favourite songs.(The haunting voice belongs to Susheela Raman ♥ ♥ ♥ The original song is from a 1950's B&W movie called "Yahudi" which portrays the Hero's obsession for his lady love. But the female version is from the movie "The Namesake" , endearingly picturised on the beautiful Zuleikha Robinson.)



Yeh Mera Deewanapan Hai
(This is my Insanity)
Ya Mohabbat Ka Suroor
(or the intoxication of Love)
Tu Na Pehchaane To Hai Yeh
(If you don’t recognize this then its…)
Teri Nazron Ka Kusoor
(the fault of your eyes)
Yeh Mera Deewanapan ..
(This is my Insanity)
.

I’m so doing this, I’m going to film myself singing the exact same song. If only I could lipsync right.

imploding sounds and confetti gushing out over our messy floors, i want to stop time, i want to be mislead, i want to stand here in the freezing cold with you and never mind, never mind.

I've been in a writer's rut for the longest. I haven't wrote a decent poem in the longest. I think when I'm happy, I can't write. Most of my writing is about dark situations and if I'm happy, I can't make myself go into a dark place just to get a good poem. It's aggravating since writing is my passion. I think I have the world's longest writer's block, lol.

Okay, I'm not only stuck lyrical, but also with fashion. I love clothes soooo much, yet I can't find anything I like. I was in Manhattan (the fashion capital of the world by the world) yesterday and I couldn't find anything. I did get one shirt, but that's it. It wasn't even the price of things that got me, just the simple fact that I didn't like anything. I may have liked one or two things, but it wasn't enough for me to fall in love and buy it. I feel so sucky, ugh.

I don't know if it is because I am sick or what, but my fashion radar is down. I need some inspiration, but that inspiration is usually Manhattan. Before I came home to New Jersey, I was packing my stuff up for school and I was throwing a lot of things away. I wouldn't say my closet isn't empty, but it looks less. The stuff I did keep still aren't stuff that I am head over heels about. I like it, but I don't love it. I don't know if it's because I'm wanting some kind of drastic change or what.

It may be superficial things too such as my desire to be thinner or for my hair to get done. I have short hair, but I don't really like it and I think it's because I don't go to a salon to get it done. I bet if I did, I would like it more. It's just that I really can't afford to get it done. Now, I'm getting weave in my hair on Friday so that eliminates one problem. My mother says that a woman hair is her glory and I didn't use to know what that meant. Now I know it means that as long as you take care of you hair, you will take care of yourself. I always feel better and prettier when my hair is done in a way that I like.

The weight issue is another whole big deal though. I'm 5'2 and weigh about 125 (which I hate to admit or even discuss). This is average for my height and age, but I don't like it. It just makes me feel short and stumpy. I tried on a pair of jeans yesterday, but all I could see is how fat I look. My waist is small, but my hips, thighs, and butt are soo huge to me. Nothing about it looks sexy to me. I want to try the leggings and shirts or sweater trend, but I feel like I can't because that's only for petite girls. Also, I used to have a nice flat stomach, but now it's kind of pudgy. I walk around most of the day sucking my stomach in, but I still feel like it's noticeable.

So with all of this complaining, it would seem easy for me to just do something about it. Yes, I know diet and exercise is the best thing for me to do, but I am a believer in it's easier said than done. I try to work out, but then I make excuses such as I have to work; I have to type a paper; I am tired, etc. etc. I'm so tired of excuses. I am promising myself to work out once January comes as part of my new year's resolution, but why can't I do it now? We have a fitness channel at my house. I can cut out some of the fatty foods that I eat. I work at a pizza shop and almost every night I am eating pizza. Near the end, I have gradually started eating less. The thing is though, I hate to be hungry and the food that they serve at my school is sooo nasty that I end up eating a lot of pizza at work or going out and eating fatty food. I really want to start today because I am going to be unhappy the rest of the time I'm home because I'll be too worried about my looks not enough about having fun.

So my pledge, starting today is that I will be more conscious about what I eat; stop eating when I'm full and eat when I'm hungry; try working out some (even though it embarrasses me for other people to see me working out); and just to try and love the person that I am. I hope this inspires you to do something that you want or change something in your life that is making you feel down.